@pleatedjeans: Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@SamGrittner: *opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes* "Wait. Then that means-" [cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
@1Happytwit: I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
@cloudypianos: i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
@Brianhopecomedy: MISSING: 5 year old LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, "Bath time." DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids