Still my favorite headline of all time:
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(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Storm Tropical Storm
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person