When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
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When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
My sex drive has a dui
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
How about daylight saves us for once
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”