Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
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I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I ate everything, including the H.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have