Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
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ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.