(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
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Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.