@juneohara65: Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
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@baconacid: "weed is a gateway drug" "to what? the fridge? Hahaha" *loses car, house, wife, and job because of fridge addiction*
@LionJenkins: Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I'm outta here! Judge: Litigator! Lawyer: After a while crocodile.
@comer310: How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea Me: *rocks boat* Her: Hey! Me: *rocks faster* Her: Can we PLEASE go steady? Me: I do.
@iwearaonesie: wife: Where's the food? [flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up] me: Dammit