Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.