[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
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wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.