@Violent2Dope304: Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
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@CourtneyBale: [dinner party] *removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this. *picks up host's dog* *leaves*
@omgthatspunny: Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small
@usedwigs: Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
@mrtimlong: When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to "make God laugh"? You wouldn't order a dead carpenter to "make God some bookshelves."