FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
You Might Also Like
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
describing stardew valley