Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
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i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”