Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
You Might Also Like
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree