If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
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Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
They must have gotten it to go.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire