The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
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Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u