HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Remember folks 😂
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.