[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
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confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~