Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
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chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Tremendous stuff
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.