Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
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Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit