Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
You Might Also Like
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
lmfao
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*