@WetzelGeek: Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
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@DainWins: [Driving w/date in car] Date [turns radio to country] Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn't working. [Hits eject button]
@dumbbeezie: Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says "Say goodbye to your family"
@MelKassel: *pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand* Booth operator: ma'am please not again Me: someBODY once tolled me—