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@WetzelGeek: Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
@stats_canada: 85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
@iwearaonesie: wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn't a cat
@rachelle_mandik: Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, "HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?"
@Alpot86: I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
@Rollinintheseat: Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?