@WetzelGeek: Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
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@jazmasta: Everyone said it was a bad idea to store glue in the same cabinet as my rifles but I'm sticking to my guns.
@Breadery: Her: If I get fat will you break up with me? Me: No but you're now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
@laurenreeves: "911, what's your emergency?" "Hi. Long time listener, first time caller." "That's really funny." "Thank you. Anyways, I'm being stabbed."