Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
You Might Also Like
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Just grow your own
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
*has no idea what a book even is*
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I can fix him.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.