@JONOCOYOTE: Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
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@online_rat: my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
@BoogTweets: Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
@oakhillbargrill: That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I've made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
@FlyJ_: [Gives husband a list for groceries] He brings home 1/2 of what's on the list and someone else's kid.