“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
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[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.