Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I’m not wrong
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
is this a warning or an offer?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”