*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
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I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –