@PaperWash: [handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don't want more of you coming back next year
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@ericsshadow: [eulogy] "Before we get started I'd like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased's 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones"
@sarcasm_inc: *at a loud house party* Is this your- I SAID IS THIS YOUR HOUSE? I NOTICED THE DOG BOWL. WHERE IS HE OR SHE, I'D LIKE TO PET HIM OR HER
@IRLPepperMD: "You think I'm immature? Well, you know what! Our relationship is-" *holds up imaginary walky-talky* "Chhh-over."