@PaperWash: [handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don't want more of you coming back next year
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@Sickayduh: As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror and I think that says alot
@omgthatspunny: The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.
@kumailn: "Every family on 2013 had 'quite the year'." - study conducted using Christmas newsletters