[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
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(Gaming support cat.)
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.