@PaperWash: [handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don't want more of you coming back next year
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@knot_eye: Her: I bet you forgot it. Him: I have a photographic memory. [shakes violently] Her: ? Him: Sorry, it's a Polaroid. Is it Becky? Her: NO
@BoogTweets: If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
@QwertyJones3: [Playing piano to impress a Russian girl] "Do you like it?" Her: That's sheet music "Yes, it is." Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.