[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
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Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*