*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on