*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
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Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.