[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
You Might Also Like
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash