*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
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Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny