At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
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I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Is this the real life?
Is this just
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.