@Home_Halfway: *Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I'm too scared to tell my friends*
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@_little_old_me: I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I'm by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
@RidiculousSheri: Love means never having to say you're sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
@WheelTod: [Animal Shelter] Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.” Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?” Me: “Well, mostly I'll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So... a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”