You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
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“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
🔦🌙👣
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Wait a minute…
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I can’t stop watching this.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.