*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
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Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
United Steaks of America
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”