I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
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Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.