HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
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Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic