I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
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Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
how long have you had this for?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
But I really needed water water water
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Lmfaoooooo
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.