Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
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Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I hope Alan is OK
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.