Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
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me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.