Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
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“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
im 7 sauces long
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars