@3sunzzz: Hang up weed instead of mistletoe, then every time you stand under it you can have a snack.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: The kids opened the "private" drawer in my nightstand. Me: THE drawer? Wife: Yeah. Great. There go our Oreos.
@batkaren: ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone? DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion ME: Folks from space-time? DW: God no 21st century UK
@jonnysun: [trying to do standup] u kno whats funy– [someone yells 'society!'] nno– [entire audience starts laughig] wait [audience laughs louder] stop
@TYrannosaurus: Auto correct doesn't work when I use caps lock. My phone is like "woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he's wrong"