@3sunzzz: Hang up weed instead of mistletoe, then every time you stand under it you can have a snack.
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@causticbob: When your prospective father-in-law asks:"Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?" Do NOT say:"Because I am tired of using my own"
@NicestHippo: Symptoms of mental illness: -Hearing voices -Hallucinating -Complaining about how other people use their social media accounts
@Brianhopecomedy: Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
@psybermonkey: When my Uncle died the obituary said that he 'passed away in the warmth of his own home.' It was a house fire.