When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
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9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
This is no longer winter this is harassment
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.