where’s Godzilla when we need him
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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I have never related to a cat more
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.