[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
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Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.