“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
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IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
mmm onion ringos
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.