Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…