@slimmy_shady: Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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@withanewname: [shopping] [wife being a real pain] Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
@SeanINCypress: Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you're still alive.
@dougbies: BILLION DOLLAR IDEA A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it's time to wake up
@kentgrossarth: Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick? Me: Nope, you're the first one. Gf: What? Me: What?