@daplusk: Hangovers: Where the spirits you drink the night before haunt you the next day.
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@HeatherAntos: Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
@theshamingofjay: Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real Me: Yea Dad: There's one more thing Me: Don't say it Dad: Retirement Me: *sobs uncontrollably
@novicefather: My wife said her new addiction is goji berries but I'd prefer she get addicted to something cheaper like cocaine.
@AbrasiveGhost: WIFE: I think he's in a midlife crisis "Why, did he buy a new car?" WIFE: not yet [I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]