@daplusk: Hangovers: Where the spirits you drink the night before haunt you the next day.
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@mjkspeaks: ME: [waking up from nap] HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
@tinytittays: Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn't serve booze and the worst singer won't get off the stage.
@iwearaonesie: wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight? [flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat] me: Yes