911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
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I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.