is frankincense just very honest incense?
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A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.