[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
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85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass